Daemon League

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"Maybe in ten years you will have a European league."

It was with those words that Wenger forever doomed European football on Monday, ensuring that the sport continues happily on its path towards tyranny by the elite. Florentino Perez and Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan must have been delighted as Arsene discussed the possibility of top clubs breaking away from UEFA. It makes me uneasy when someone with as much influence in the game as our boss throws caution to the wind and starts discussing his vision for the future - maybe if he had a lower standing in football, people would give such infirm ramblings the same consideration as they do those of Martin O'Neill.


"The way we are going, the money coming in from the Champions League, for some clubs, will not be enough anymore."

For God's sake Arsene, we've just spent the last six years trading our profits from Arsenal-brand coffee mugs to bring in children from Africa and South America. We of all teams need Champions League money desperately. But you're right, some teams want more, so where will that put us? You found a fiscal strategy to deal with the start of the Abramovich era and refinancing the stadium loans; surely you're prepared to handle the financial implications of a European league?


"I'm not sure 100% that I am right..."

Three days previously he proudly declared that he had lied during our era of Scholes-like tackling to protect his players; Arsene I love you but you're coming undone...


"... but I feel that there are some voices behind the scenes in our game aiming to do something about a European league, especially if the rules become too restrictive for the big clubs as things currently stand."

Oh good. So we'll all stick up for Chelsea, who tapped up one of our best players and forced a sale, and whose owner I could write a book of complaints about; Barcelona, who bully us relentlessly in the media to secure the likes of Overmars, Petit, Hleb and Henry; Real Madrid who, it has been claimed, are already allowed to sign contracts with players like Cristiano Ronaldo stating that if they don't sign said player in a specific window to match promises made in the club elections, he will be reimbursed; Manchester United, who are drowning in a sea of debt but can still splash out on the likes of Antonio Valencia; and of course, Manchester City, who, not content with having an alleged mass murderer as their previous owner, are now virtually pushing blank contracts across the table and telling players to fill in their desired salary. If those 'restrictive' laws against theft and murder will obstruct them in future, who can blame these poor clubs for running away and setting up a fair footballing society where anyone can join, without being judged for their multi-billion pound tax fraud or frightening human rights record?


"If a European League does happen the question is whether clubs will transfer from a national league or whether it is a franchised European league... I personally believe only in sporting merit, so if one league is created there has to be promotion up and down but that would be, practically, very difficult to resolve."

Very difficult to resolve, ergo not bothered with. Arsene, you're unwittingly encouraging a G14 decampment.


"The scores will be determined not by goals, but by the number of successful passes each team makes. Each club will only be allowed to field one player from its own country. The maximum transfer fee will be in the region of 50 pounds. Outfield players over the age of 30 will be executed at the end of each season. The matches will be refereed by eight foot tall robots with laser beams and an aversion to even slightly physical challenges."

If he had said that, this whole address would actually make a lot more sense.


"I do not want to kill the national leagues so each team should have to play in the national league and in Europe. That means the Euro league taking place in midweek and the national league over the weekend."

First of all, you have put far too much thought into this; second, where do the FA Cup and Carling Cup fit into this two-game-a-week format? The club season would literally take up the entire year, then what would we do with internationals? Are you trying to drive Theo to exhaustion?!


"All this would mean having two teams, basically."

Actually, that means our Carling Cup team would represent us in the Premiership. Arsene, you have my approval...

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