Breakthrough for Arsenal

Last night, Arsenal became the first ever sports team to embarrass themselves in all three dimensions. A handful of lucky fans in a few select pubs were given the next visual spectacle after Avatar, and I'm sure they weren't disappointed.

The 90-minutes-but-seemingly-thrice-as-long show opened at the Emirates, a quiet, peaceful stadium rich in raw talent. The home side were known as the Na'iv, an idealistic people with a purist ideology; they were defending against a corporation ran by a clueless American profiteer.

But there was no happy ending last night. Our hero, Tomas Rosicky, a man in a new body with working legs, was kept fairly quiet like the rest of our forwards, while the defending Na'iv were eventually overwhelmed by the enemy's various attacking resources. Their answer to the brave girl pilot who had defected from the enemy was Mikael Silvestre, who I imagine spent most of the match smiling and waving at his old friends from the safety of the bench; they clearly needed something else. So with time running out, the Na'iv threw forth the squawking, malcoordinated flying thing they could tame on occasion - but Theo Walcott's introduction was to no avail.

Gael Clichy and Denilson provided the comic relief - although Avatar doesn't really offer an equivalent for their staunch, robust defending against United, and Jar Jar Binks might have been more apt. The pair of them were pathetic, playing so poorly that their doleful puppy eyes trick might not have been enough this time to spare them from Wenger's wrath; and any comparisons with the plucky underdogs protecting their world against alien onslaught come to an end with these two.

Indeed, Clichy was so awful that it seems he has now given Nani the impression that he's a good winger. In the build-up to the first goal, Clichy and Nasri put in a sandwich tackle that was about as tough and crunching as a WeightWatchers light tuna and sweetcorn ready-made, softly tickling the winger's dainty feet as he airily minced away from the touchline. Denilson then kind of stuck his foot in front of him, only to shyly retract it and literally step AWAY from his opponent. Nani then scooped the ball towards the far post, and Almunia beat the waiting United forwards to it with all the grace and poise of a Rooney family Christmas dinner.

The second goal was even more embarrassing. Sagna was the only player to stay back when we took our corner; Gael Clichy, who should have been with him, was inexplicably lurking near the edge of the United area. He was utterly statuesque as Rooney turned him and started the counter-attack; and when the United players broke forward, he decided that he would contribute to our efforts to repel them by running directly behind Denilson, who himself was tracking back as quickly as Dimitar Berbatov in a warm-down exercise. The only players making a proper effort to get back were Thomas Vermaelen and Samir Nasri, who sprinted past them like men possessed despite being considerably further away from our half when the move started. Denilson's lack of pace and Gael Clichy's awful positioning allowed Nani to play Rooney through, and I wondered if we would have had a better chance of preventing the goal had we dragged the two most obese, sluggish supporters in the stadium out of their seats and told them to just get in the way a bit.

The third goal was one of the worst pieces of defending I have ever seen from an Arsenal team. The move started when Denilson received a pass and brought it under the kind of close control that Steve McClaren once exerted over the England national team. Having spilt possession in a dangerous position, his response was to lightly jog back with even less concern than he did in the build-up to the previous goal. Bizarrely, Thomas Vermaelen let himself get sucked out of position when Rooney received the ball, meaning that when the Scouser tapped it back to Carrick and the midfielder played it over the top to Park, there was no one stopping him except for Clichy. At least Vermaelen (and again, Nasri) sprinted back though - despite the whole move coming down our right flank, I had literally no idea where Sagna was.

Next Sunday should be, but won't be, Fabianski's chance to push for first choice. Almunia looked more drunk and dejected than everyone in my local put together, his change in haircut from the dazzling 08-09 'Death by Peroxide' look to the 09-10 'Sleeping in a Skip' reflecting quite accurately his nosedive in form. He is a talented goalkeeper, and he showed it with two brilliant saves at Aston Villa last week - but he hasn't got the character or the confidence to be a consistent Top Four player, which is all the more alarming when one considers his age, position, and leadership responsibility. There is literally no connection between him and the back four, and his defenders have started to opt for dangerous clearances when the best option is clearly to pass it back to him, such is their lack of faith in him at the moment.

I noticed that even Fabregas couldn't quite get a grip on the game. Despite starting very brightly, and generally being one of the few hard-working players who gave the opposition something to think about, he wasn't as influential as he has been over the last couple of months. Ferguson had evidently ensured that one of his midfielders would always shadow the Spaniard and keep him quiet, and Michael Carrick was at times getting as disconcertingly close as John Terry being introduced to a mate's new girlfriend. To resort to an oft-used metaphor, the captain was hardly the conductor for our ailing orchestra; the responsibility appeared to fall to the generic Russian lead violinist, who spent much of the first half-hour preparing to start a movement that would send the spectators into raucous applause, only to go off on an out-of-place solo and leave us all scratching our heads.

To be fair, the main positive was that Arshavin did cause them problems before they scored, and that he could have made the difference. We started well with some neat counter-attacks, and Nasri looked dangerous; but ultimately two moments of self-indulgence by the Russian prevented us from taking a lead. Had we gone 1-0 up, I believe we would have won it - but from the moment United scored we were thrown into disarray and clearly lacked the resilience to bring ourselves back into it.

While Vermaelen's goal was hardly of the class to match United's second or third, I was pleased to see someone actually take the initiative to shoot without waiting for the requisite 50 passes first. Like Rosicky's equaliser against Everton, there was a huge element of luck but it doesn't happen unless you have a go. Like Gallas and Song, Vermaelen had a decent game overall; but again, the centre-backs and holding midfielder were let down by mindless mistakes elsewhere.

It occurred to me after the game that Kieran Gibbs' injury could prove almost as serious to our chances of silverware as Robin van Persie's. Clichy has no real rival for the left-back slot, and Gibbs has played well enough in his handful of appearances in an Arsenal shirt to convince me that he might have been given a chance over the Frenchman this season were he fit. With Clichy playing this poorly and Traore next in the pecking order, this position could be our Achilles heel - and both Martin O'Neill and Alex Ferguson have clearly noticed.

I'll try to end on a positive note. Of course, last night was a big blow to our title hopes, but we're still only four points behind United and - for the time being - five behind Chelsea; and keep in mind that we're getting most of the tricky ties out of the way well before our rivals. I think there's a good chance that the out-of-form Denilson will suffer for his apathy last night and lose his place against Chelsea, especially considering that Diaby should be fit and Ramsey has impressed lately. As for the forwards, Bendtner has now had a run out and there is no reason why he can't start - he will give us the variety we need, as well as an aerial threat against a defence known for being strong in the air. With these players coming back from fitness, our bench won't just consist of seven youngsters who have been out for two months and need a quick run-out, and we will have more options to choose from.

Anyway, I'm away until the weekend so this will be my last post for a few days. In the meantime, if you haven't had a look yet, I'll leave you with this.